· A very good second draft – this now definitely has the potential to reach full marks but certainly isn’t there yet.
· Intro needs work – doesn’t really read like an intro and perhaps uses quotes too quickly. Save the quotes for the essay.
· The hypothesis at the end of the intro is brilliant – but then you don’t return to this idea enough in the essay as a whole and particularly the conclusion.
· Written English is still a critical factor that will cost you 3-4 marks (mid 40s rather than top). This is in sentence structure but particularly punctuation and quotes. You need to address this urgently and will need to consider this for university too.
· Linked to the above, introducing quotes/crediting theorists is still an area to look at; same for topic sentences.
· Can you add Butler and Killbourne? You’re not short of research at all but they seem particularly relevant to your essay.
· Similarly, your point on hegemony is brilliant – is there any way you could expand this slightly?
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· When you have a Linked Production in draft form, return to this essay with fresh eyes and look to make three or four key improvements (written English being a major one) before submitting the final draft.
- Correct Spelling, Punctuation and Grammar.
- Add key theorists further
- Add topic sentences
- Re-do introduction
- Re-do conclusion
· Your final deadline is immediately after the Easter holiday: Wednesday 19 April.
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