feedback:
WWW: there is a
lot to credit here: phenomenal research, some fascinating and important debate.
You clearly know your text extremely well.
EBI: There are quite a few aspects to address to push this to the
top of Level 4
Written English & attention to detail is poor: far too many
mistakes. Spelling, capital letter, sentence structure. You need to improve on
this – at A2 it is not acceptable.
Also check the formality of your writing. ‘Tramp’ is not appropriate
language. Some if your questions to the reader are too informal.
This is far too long: cut whole sections that think you mention
women or empowerment once. Cut it!
This also feels like two essays- and the second half is much
stronger/ In the first, you give the Vogue editor far too easy a ride… you can’t
write about her power back then let her blame designers for clothes that
objectify women.
The idea female audiences want objectified women is fascinating
and worth exploring further.
Aim:
Full marks obviously
Plan
- Re-read essay
- Correct grammar and spelling
- more theory
- Incorporate more research
- Take out a lot of lower level points/paragraphs
